This topic contains 1 reply, has 2 voices, and was last updated by  Tammy 3 days, 16 hours ago.

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  • #2404


    Hi! I’m Vera (21/she) and just a couple of weeks ago I started a LDR with my best friend(24/she) in the entire world. Sadly, we live in different countries but we have managed to keep contact via gifts or watching things together; what prompted the relationship was a big fight that originated because we were ‘friends but not so quite’ for a really long time.

    So. I like her a lot, I love her to bits. I feel like she matches me both emotionally and intellectually, we have similar goals and we listen to each other even in our worse. But, my partner is a transwoman and I didn’t have a problem with that until I started to notice I was completely ignoring her appearance. You see, I’ve had a very traumatic sexual related experience with a guy so I tend to avoid people with masculine features and my partner is exactly like that. I feel really superficial and even if she’s a sweetheart that knows this and she is trying to follow my pace, I think I might have a problem with that in a future. I think it might also be related to the fact I’m starting to wonder if I’m actually a lesbian and not bi as I originally thought…

    I’ve actually started to get panic attacks when we sext or when she starts to talk about being together forever– this is her first relationship ever and the most vulnerable she has ever been with anyone. I would discuss this with her, as we tell each other anything, but I feel like this is a topic that’s out of her hands and it would be pretty awful for me to put her in that spot.

    So…please help?

  • #2405


    Hi Vera!

    I believe sexuality is very fluid and it’s hard to choose a label and stick with it forever. You never know who you will meet that may make you question your sexuality. Also, not being attracted to every physical aspect of your partner is normal, especially with the trauma you went through.

    At the end of the day you’ve been thinking about an important question: can you picture being with this person forever? Despite their gender, despite their personality… would you be happy getting married and committing yourself to them? If the answer is no, then you may need to move on.

    If you’re unsure. then there’s a few things you need to work on. Talk to her about your traumatic experience and explain to her why it may be making inhibiting your sexual drive. Or if you don’t want to talk to her about it, maybe talk to a professional? They could help you sort through that trauma and overcome it with time. Maybe your partners masculine features would not bother you as much. If they still do, then maybe you are more into girls than guys as you suspect.

    Sometimes we are such good friends with people that we think they would be perfect partners for us, but when we get together that spark isn’t quite there. You may really love her and care for her, connect with her on many levels, but maybe you two are better off as friends if you find yourself not sexually attracted to her and not picturing a future with her.

    Keep me posted! <3

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