My Long Distance Relationship & Insecurities
I’m in my first long distance for almost a year now and we are separated by a whole entire Atlantic ocean, also never met each other in real life. We are both young college students who are trying to keep up our grades while coping with the distance. Relationships are hard . Especially when you’re separated by thousands of miles. I’m no expert in any way, but I’ve experienced some very negative feelings and I’m pretty much sure a lot of you guys have coped with the same things. The saddest thing is when two individuals have this irreplaceable connection, but end up getting separated by all kinds of tensions. I hope I can help fellow LDR couples by giving out my experience and some advice. I’m by no means an expert again and beware. This is a pretty long post and excuse me for any grammar mistakes. English is not my first language.
I ’ve realized I’m pulling myself through the ground with all the negativity I’ve put into my OWN head. No one forced me in any way. Only I did. So basically, I never feel satisfied and want more from him. I’ve the less busy life while he’s always doing things. It’s easy to feel neglected in a sense and studies have shown that the woman counter part suffers more from these sorts of relationships.
No idea if this is gender bound or not, but I’m definitely feeling the suffering if I go on like this.
When I see couples who can physically be with each other, I feel this huge envy. My colleague for example. She could hug him so easily, do things with him without worrying about any form of true distance. I don’t have that luxury and I end up thinking things as: Is it really worth it? Will this ever work out? Am I not sacrificing my youth for someone who’s not really “with me.” Is it better for me to find someone here?“ That last one is really a dangerous one.
I developed unnecessary anxiety, insecurity and neediness in the end. Maybe even paranoia by checking every 5 min for any new text messages or if he’s busy for a long time without responding. I really want to get rid of these things. All these problems were not even present in the first part of our relationship, so why now? Am I finally starting to see the “truth?” or rather, am I finally reaching this point where my own self-dependence is being tested? It’s the second.
In these periods where we don’t communicate, due to things he has to do or just doesn’t worry as much as me to initiate any form of conversation, I’ll legitimately feel miserable or even depressed when I don’t acquire his attention. “Does he even love me?” Why am I always the one who’s giving more. You’re not even trying your best anymore. Why maintain this relationship when it’s not even coming from both ends?“ By putting this on paper, I can see the exaggeration within every single sentence. He’s really doing his best and probably the most genuine guy I’ve ever met, but not perfect because NO ONE IS. He’s just more laid back than me and has more things to do, so I’m less in his mind whereas in my case; thinking about him 24/7 which is the definition of an unhealthy dependent relationship. He isn’t this difficult and it’s hard for him to understand me with these kind of things. It’s the same as: “Why are you stressing this much?” Just as two project partners with type A and B personalities. He’s the B and I’m the A in this case.
It has been a vicious cycle for the last months and I would feel immensely relieved if I could get rid of this paranoia. Putting all the worries aside, let’s list down a couple of solutions to battle these problems, because I can’t live like this any longer. This amazing relationship will suffer and he doesn’t deserve that. Moreover, I don’t deserve this constant feeling of stress and anxiety.
The core of my problem: I’ve got to ask myself… Why am I so negative? Why do I feel it’s mandatory for him to give this specific amount of attention before getting satisfied.
It’s due to: Focusing too much on the other half. Being way too dependent. You know what they say. Focus as much on yourself, do your own things. I tried, but give up way too soon. While doing those activities, I would still think of him. Constantly rewinding negative questions with no understandable answer. I’m not focusing on myself that way.
Long Distance Relationship Problems & Solutions
Problem: Being overly dependent, triggering paranoid questions of him not loving me anymore
Solution: Let go of this focus. This is the hardest part of all, but eventually I have to. Going back to the old ways won’t make me happy. Build on yourself. LDR’s may be hard, but normal couples will fail too if their self-dependence is low. This relationships trains me to be dependent. It IS difficult, but when I do achieve this point, I can live carefree without worrying about the smallest things. I want to feel free right?
Problem: There’s nothing physical. I get jealous from other people who have no problems being with each other in person and wished I had the same luxury resulting into my patience dropping in this relationship. Why waiting so long for him if I can get someone here?
Solution: It definitely sucks, but I got to think like this: Luxury is all perspective. For me, luxury is when I get to communicate and laugh with him while the standard for normal couples is set higher and consider communication as lower luxury. Change your perspective and don’t set your standards as normal couples, because you are not.
Also, intimacy is a great plus, but not a stable foundation for a relationship to last long if there’s no strong mentality with each other. LDR’s are a legit pain physically wise, but are the strongest of all because we learn how to deal with it through a lot of trust and communication.
Problem: The future is so vague. When will I get to see him? I’m not sure if my parents will let me travel alone in three years and I don’t know if I have enough money. Who lives in what country to close the distance entirely?
Solution: That last one is waaaay too far ahead to think about. I’m still young and shouldn’t worry about marriage and all those things and also since I’m just too friggin young, I’ll only get depressed because of it.
It’s true I have no clue what the future holds, but luckily. The distance doesn’t last forever. This one day will be met where we finally meet each other if I push through. At least I should try to have some patience since he’s doing the same and worry less about what the far future holds.
Moral of the story,
Don’t be paranoid and anxious of losing him when he’s busy by building your own life and letting him out of focus. You don’t need him to be happy. I lived completely fine before having any relationships, so why should I be dependent suddenly? That doesn’t make any sense at all. He should make you Happy-er and not be the source of your happiness.
Stop comparing your own relationship with those of normal couples. Because I don’t have a normal one and I should just accept that instead of whining constantly and feeling ungrateful. They have their pros, but also huge cons. Yeah, you can be with each other, but mentally wise, they aren’t as strong as LDR’s. LDR’s are unfortunately easy to fail due to anxiety, trust issues and just lack of self confidence, but are immensely strong when done correctly. We appreciate certain things normal couples might even consider as: not that “special”.
Stop worrying about the possible future and live in the present. Enjoy it when you get to spend time with each other. Hanging with friends makes me happy right? Am I constantly worrying that one day, we won’t be friends anymore? That’s complete bullshit. I don’t. Why always assuming the worst when there’s also the bright side? It’s really easy to see the dark outcomes. A true strong mentality is aimed at all the possibilities and positivity while solving the negative ones or perhaps even leaving it out of sight completely since it’s useless anyway in this case.
The last and final tip: appreciate what you have. My problem is, is that I’m not grateful enough for having him in my life and I constantly thirst for more. Feeling it’s never enough. In the beginning, it felt magical like the start of every kind of relationship. He felt special and I felt so thankful to have met a person like him. He is literally my ideal type woken up to life. Over the time, this gratefulness dropped.
You don’t appreciate until you’ve lost it or before you’ve had it. It’s easy to take him for granted and that’s exactly what I’m doing at this moment. Replace the crave by appreciation.
Long distance is one of the most beautiful things. It’s the true definition of love that two individuals share with each other. Despite all the distance and greater hardships we have to endure, in the end we’ll fight through it. You fight, because this form of love can overcome any form of distance.
Thank you for taking your time to read.
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